What the fuck is wrong with me? I just do not feel settled. Maybe it’s because I need to be working on something constantly or I tend to go a bit off. I’m not one of these people that can spend days lounging around without a purpose, I find it impossible.
Even when I’m relaxing, I choose an activity that I feel will progress me in some way: non-fiction usually, or a classic movie I know I should have watched already, a book that will make me think, give me ideas for my own ends. I never just be; relax for the sake of it.
It’s like I’m constantly running out of time, but then I spend it all on the most ridiculous endeavors that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
I get caught in the details, sidelined by mediocrity. A tiny bump in the road can send me spinning out, ruin all my plans, and leave me stood entirely still, analyzing the fallout and planning around for the best save.
I think I’m scared of actually succeeding, even after all the hard work I’ve put in. There’s some part of me that really doesn’t want the limelight of success and would prefer the mundane misery of average life.
My Leo Ascendant doesn’t agree, says I could take the world if I wanted it, but mostly I fight feelings of longing for a quiet cozy cabin in a remote woodland clearing.
My own home is nothing alike, and I dread the daily clutter that stands in the way of me and my goals. My surroundings are never good enough.
I am always seeking to improve, yet I can never quite decide how. What if I make a choice, then it turns out to be the wrong one? then I’ve wasted time, energy, money, I’ve wasted resources, but how else can you live? I can’t exist without my work, but my work is never done. Lose lose? I really don’t know.
I guess in a way I’m confused about who I am and who I want to be – what should I be working towards exactly? What daily steps should I be taking to progress my dreams?
I have so many ideas and opinions but very few of them hold water for long, I switch and change depending on my mood, and the time of day, or who I’m talking to. I have to get it right. It always has to be right.
People tell me I have strong values; that I’m an upstanding member of society, a friend to be counted on, but what a burden?! I sometimes think I’d rather not bother with any of it, I’d happily sink into oblivion where I don’t have to make any decisions, or build a career, or be a functioning human. Sometimes I wish I could disappear.
Dependable old me, plodding along, getting worked up over things, then plodding once more. Pathetic. Where’s the fire? Where’s the passion and the energy and the will to survive?
Sometimes I sense it, like an instinct long forgotten, and I try to grab it, to use it to my advantage, but it’s gone. I’m left with efficiency, generosity and patience, but no gold.
All I want out of life is a nice place to live, to call my own, and the satisfaction that I am doing work I love, work that heals people, and myself too, but with this nervous disposition, I think I’d be better off staying in bed. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.
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