It’s Venus Retrograde lovers! From the 6th October to the 15th November, we’ve got the task of levelling up our self-respect and taking off those rose-tinted glasses so we can finally see the light of true love.
I don’t believe in doom and gloom astrology, it’s all here to help us, even when it hurts, and out of all of the lessons, love is the hardest one to master.
So while Venus Retrograde might bring up some angst and pain, ultimately, we’re on the road to realising some pretty big stuff…
Plus I have this Venus Retrograde sat RIGHT on my natal Pluto so I’m hellbent on transforming true love perceptions right now – you can see more of this over on YouTube where I’ve just started doing love tarotscopes, but FIRST, let’s take a look at some self-love myths…
1. Loving yourself is not selfish
In the famous words of Rupaul: “If you can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”
Amen, right? But why?
Well, when you love yourself, you’re essentially saying: hey I might be a bit overweight, I’m terrible at maths and I stutter when I get excited, BUT I still think I rock.
You see, this idea of selfish self-love brings up images of arrogance and peacocking, you know, the kind of people who shove their supposed self-love into your face and make it all feel like one big competition (come on, we’ve all met one).
Except that’s not what self-love is, because actually what’s going on there is that those people are so scared of their flaws that they refuse to even see them in the first place.
Real self-love is somewhere in the middle.
If you can learn to accept yourself, warts n all, just like the queens of RuPaul’s Drag Race accept and celebrate their differences in empowering and artistic ways, then you’re halfway there.
The other half is about recognising that in order to truly help someone else, you first have to help yourself.
There’s a reason lifeguards throw in rubber rings instead of jumping into the water unprepared – it’s cos you can’t save someone else if you’re also drowning.
I talk more about this in my article: Osho & Rupaul on Self-love, but the main thing you need to know right now is that before you can offer love, you have to know HOW to love, and that starts from within yourself.
2. Self-love is not just about bubble baths and haircuts
So HOW exactly DO you love yourself? Cos no amount of “treat yoself” sessions is gonna fill that void where your self-esteem should be, and it takes more than a manicure to show yourself respect.
I know these things feel great and can bring in some self-love for a short time, but what about when the haircut grows out or you chip a nail? What about the nights when you’ve run out of those fancy bath bombs with the sparkles and you have to rely on your own inner magic to feel good?
It’s pretty sad that this is a reality of the world we live in. Obsessed with the material, we think that by making our outer look shiny and fresh we will somehow mitigate the pain on the inside. Like realising your car won’t start and wheeling it to a car wash.
When we need a new carburettor, what the fuck is a new pair of shoes gonna do?
So if all that stuff isn’t really self-love – what is it?
Well, to me:
- Self-love is knowing who you are and where you’ve come from – and being simultaneously happy with that person but also willing to change in any way you might later choose.
- Self-love is about creating boundaries of what you will and will not accept from others, and then removing yourself from situations where those boundaries are breached.
- Similarly, self-love is recognising when you’ve reached your limit in what you can do and how much you can give, then saying no to more. It’s not rude, it’s integrity.
- Self-love is knowing that even when you fail, make a mistake, do something stupid or go the wrong way, you’ll keep believing in yourself and try again.
- Self-love is treating yourself in the way you treat others – with compassion, patience and an attempt to understand. You wouldn’t flip out at a friend for being slow or clumsy or broke or sad, so why do it to yourself?
And most importantly: Self-love is knowing that out of all the people in all the world, you’ll spend the most time BY FAR with yourself and the thought of that makes you smile, cos you’re awesome.
Everyone else can come and go but you will always be you, with you, you’ll always have your back from birth till death and you wouldn’t trust that mission to any other fucker but you.
No one will ever know you like you know you – so you might as well enjoy the company!
3. Most of us don’t know how to do real love
You’ve probably read that and though “well F you ellie, I so have been in love!” and I’m not doubting that one bit, of course you have, but I’m gonna push the boat our here and guess that it might not have been “unconditional love”.
In our modern-day world, unconditional love is like the unicorn of successful relationships – it’s pretty damn hard to find.
Rather, most of us are experiencing the kind of love that sure, feels safe and warm and fuzzy and bright most of the time, but also comes with rules and expectations and thus pain and disappointment when those rules and expectations are not upheld.
I mean, if you’re one of the lucky few with a partner that shares unconditional love with you – then by all means skip this section. You win. Go ahead and gloat. We’re all in awe of you both.
But for the rest of us, we’re stuck trying to make sure we meet love’s requirements and find someone willing to do the same.
These requirements look like:
- Does he love me back?
- Can I trust her to treat me how I want to be treated?
- Is our love equal?
- Will they leave me?
- Am I behaving in a way that also takes into consideration my partner’s wants, needs and expectations?
- What about me?
- Why did they say/do/feel that?
- Is it fair?
- Do our choices in life align in a way that makes for a harmonious relationship?
Unconditional love is none of that.
Unconditional love is loving someone regardless of where they are, what they do and how they feel about you in return. It’s watching someone love someone who’s NOT you and feeling happy that they’re happy.
Unconditional love is never expecting anything from them that they don’t want to give and realising that one day they might need to leave you, and that’s ok.
It’s loving someone even when they make bad choices.
If those bad choices affect the respect you have for yourself then you step away, but you don’t try to control them or push them or try to make them feel guilty about it. You just allow them to learn whatever lessons life wants to teach them and let them walk their own path, cos it will be different from yours.
It’s realising they are not you.
Of course, I’m not saying we should put up with being cheated on or lust after someone who has no interest in us, because neither of those things are showing ourselves respect, but this societal idea that to love someone we have to have certain requirements keeps us trapped in constant disappointment when those requirements are inevitably not met.
If you have self-love, you’re looking out for yourself without any requirement from someone else AND you love with absolutely no conditions, then well done my friend, you’re wayyyyy ahead of most of us and you can just sit back during this Venus Retrograde and feel smug (of course you won’t do that cos you’re a beacon of divine love and light – go you).
For the rest of us, let’s use this time of deep relational insight to see if we can take off the rose-tinted glasses for a moment and see the truth of what it means to love – ourselves, our partners and everybody in this big crazy lovesick world.
Big love seekers,
Ps. If you want some tailored Venus Rx self-love lessons, check out my pick a card tarot vid below:
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